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January 23, 2013 by Hazy Shades of Me

I rubbed and polished it with my cloth fresh and new, unsuspecting and ever willing, still stiff and crisp. The more I scoured, the brighter it shone.

I took it everywhere. I kept it in my pocket, under my hat or tucked into the toe of my right shoe. At night, it rested underneath my downy pillow, just below my dreaming mind. In the shower, hot soapy water spilled over it, suds trailing the day’s slough down the drain and deep into the pipes.

For a while, well, years really, I barely noticed it apart from the effort it took to make it glisten. But as time went on, my polishing cloth grew black and flecked with holes, limp and lifeless, and what was once light became cumbersome, too big to keep in my shoe or under my hat.

More years passed and despite great efforts, my ratty cloth, now a rag, didn’t bring even a hint of shine, its once brilliant gleam forever lost under many layers of shadows and clouds.

The days, months…years slipped by and it lived on, more than lived, it thrived, growing bulky, bigger, heavier and harder than ever before. Once coveted and craved, now clunky and colossal.

Towing it behind, I trudged through the murk and came to a stop. This was the place…the point where I couldn’t carry it anymore, my body refusing to take one more step.

After years, a lifetime, I, at long last, let it go. Heaved away, it spiraled outwards in a frenzy of rejection and I watched, waiting for it to descend to the dismal, dreary bottom. Drained, exhausted, it took me some time to realize that it was not sinking; it was instead me, rising to the top.

Weight Lifter

Posted in Blogging, Creative Writing, Fiction, Inspiration, Life, Poetry, Short Stories, Uncategorized, Writing | Tagged , , , , | 10 Comments »

Vegetables Are Good For You

January 17, 2013 by Hazy Shades of Me

Her thumbprints are still in the bread. I can see them, little oval dimples through the glossy plastic wrap. My hands shake as I unfold the flimsy, sticky film protecting my sandwich. The sandwich she’d made me this morning. The sandwich we’d argued over. The sandwich I am now eating at midnight.

“I don’t like whole wheat bread. That’s all I’m saying.”

She’d stood at the counter, morning light from the window ghosting her custard colored hair, her hands busily dispersing the zero fat spread she’d bought to replace my mayonnaise.

“It’s selfish, Darren. Your cholesterol is high. If you want to leave me, you can just say so. Slow self-sabotage is much too drawn out.”

“Well, I’m my own self to sabotage.” I’d said. “I don’t like whole wheat bread and I don’t like fake mayo. Why bother eating?”

I’d watched, my anger mounting, her fingers sinking into the fresh brown slices as she aggressively wrapped, chucking the finished product into my bag alongside the veggies she’d spent her morning washing and cutting.

“We bother eating, so we don’t starve,” she’d gritted tightly, “and we eat healthily, so that we don’t die,” she went on, “and we don’t die, before our time if we can help it, Darren, so that we don’t desert the person who has graciously chosen to spend our whole, assumedly long lives with us, while they’re still in their early forties!” Picking the bag up, she’d forcefully pressed it into my chest as she walked out of the room.

I hadn’t gone after her. I was a little hung over from the poker game the night before and besides, I was tired of her nagging. She thought she knew everything, always right. Heaven forbid anyone had a differing opinion or an alternate take on things.

Before I’d left, I’d thrown the bag of food on the bottom step with a scribbled note;

‘Think I’ll buy lunch today. A double bacon cheeseburger sounds great right about now’.

She’d be furious. A smile had hovered at the corners of my mouth.

I’d driven in to work, still ranting, wading through all the things about her that made me insane; my water glass disappearing into the dishwasher before I was done with it, the tied baggies of garbage she’d leave hanging off various doorknobs throughout the house as she cleaned, always onto the next thing before remembering to dispose of them, making the bed the moment I was out of it, closing any window for me to hop back in and forgetting to pay the bills, distracted by the kids or the house, the gas company forever threatening disconnection.

But by the time I’d pulled into the parking lot, I had mellowed. Pondering her flaws, I’d come to realize they weren’t really flaws. They were more like quirks. Quirks were okay, weren’t they? So maybe my glass vanished all the time, but that meant it was getting tidied all the time, as were the full garbage cans and the messy bed and the bills always got paid in the end. If she was busy with the kids or the house, I should be grateful, shouldn’t I?

As the car door had swung shut, I’d decided I’d been a selfish bastard and had practically run through the parking lot, eager to get the day over with so I could get back home to her.

Now, twelve hours later, so much has changed. I sit, chewing in time with her breathing, the ventilator’s accordion flip-flopping oxygen into her lungs. She’s not taking it willingly, grappling with the insistent machine. I can almost hear her; it’s not natural…inorganic. I can do it on my own.

She’d fallen after I’d left this morning, opening her head on the corner wall facing the stairs. They’d found her face down, my blood-soaked note between her slender fingers, the strap of my bag still looped around her ankle.

“…we don’t desert the person who has graciously chosen to spend our whole, assumedly long lives with us, while they’re still in their early forties!”

“I’m eating it, honey.” I whisper into the darkness. “I’ll eat whatever you want.” The sandwich sticks in my throat as I realize what she wants is for me to fight for her.

So much has changed since this morning but so much has stayed the same.

Sandwich

Posted in Blogging, Creative Writing, Fiction, Life, Relationships, Short Stories, Uncategorized, Writing | Tagged , , , , , | 17 Comments »

Wrinkled Rant

January 10, 2013 by Hazy Shades of Me

“Man, she looks old now.” My husband commented months ago. He was nonchalant about it, mindlessly gazing at the TV, no idea of the cougar he’d just unchained.

No pun intended. Okay, I might’ve intended.

Driving the kids to school this morning, the radio gave me food for  blogging thought. This is what happens when you listen to high quality, #1 Hits/Top 40 radio. When you have teens, you don’t get to choose the station. In fact, you’re not even allowed to be in the car, except they can’t drive, so you’re bestowed a temporary pass.

The radio voices were discussing Demi Moore, their conversation triggered by the fact that she (Demi) is currently at a fitness retreat in Mexico. They were saying she looks amazing for her age but; “get real girl, it’s time to give it up. You’re old.” Is it just me, or do these two statements wipe each other out? Why shouldn’t she look amazing? And, she looks amazing, you barely off the teat whippersnapper, because she doesn’t give it up. I’m confused.

Demi Moore is 51. First of all, 51 is the new 31 (in my books) and why, for the love of God, would she need to, let alone want to stop working out, trying to look fit, healthy and youthful? I almost feel the need to do a Vlog here so you can see the look on my face and hear the incredulous tone in my voice and if you knew how much I loathe being on video, you’d know how serious I am.

So, on the one hand, we have my 44 year old husband taking down Ashley Judd for gracefully easing into her 45th year (a mere 25 in Hazy years) and on the other, we have 25 year old disc jockeys berating Demi for doing everything in her power to maintain whatever kind resemblance she can to her own self.

What is wrong with this picture?

It’s apparent Ashley and Demi both work hard at doing whatever it is that makes them feel good. I know their looks fund their livelihood and that plays a large part, (who could blame them) but it can’t be denied that it feels marvelous to be carded long past being legal, no matter who you are.

Why this gets so deep under my inevitably aging skin is unclear to me. Maybe it’s because I’m 42. Maybe it’s because I’m inevitably aging. Maybe it’s because society can’t make up their minds…work at it, stay youthful or let it go, look old.

Or maybe it’s because, when it comes to aging appearances, men just have it too easy.

Whatever your number...

Whatever your number…

Posted in Blogging, Inspiration, Life, Non-Fiction, Rant, Relationships, Uncategorized, Writing | Tagged , , , , | 10 Comments »

Fat Free

January 2, 2013 by Hazy Shades of Me

“I know, right?” She agrees, clicking her tongue.

I try, but I can’t stop staring at her mouth. Her teeth are so white now, they’re almost blue and the effect makes her lips and tongue look like cream soda drenched cotton candy.

Am I missing something? Either I’m imagining our conversation or, all of a sudden, I’m in need of hearing aids. Either way, I cannot believe she’s ordering what she’s ordering. I grit my teeth as I hear her say;
“I’ll have the tomato salad. Ah, is there sugar in the dressing?”

“Yes,” says our server.

“Dressing on the side, then please. Actually, no dressing. None at all. And, oh! No avocado. I know it’s good fat and everything,” she flutters her polished nails, “but I’m completely fat free right now.”

“Yes, M’am.” Patiently accommodating, he explains; “I just want to make sure you realize it will basically be tomatoes then, with a little bit of vinegar, salt and pepper.”

“Yes, yes, fine,” Tasia agrees. “Wait, no oil, right?”

“That’s a given. M’am.” he says, head down.

I’m caught off guard. Only moments ago, we’d discussed chicks who want burgers but order leaves, ladies who ask for side dressing and use the whole portion anyway, women who only drink Skinny Girl cocktails…by the dozen.

Our waiter glances at me and I flush, instantly wanting to change my order. My medium rare New Yorker with sautéed garlic prawns now seems a tad excessive.

But, almost as instantly, I regret my brush with backpedalling.

I want the steak dammit, and the prawns. I don’t want to pay just as much for tomatoes with salt as I will for a real meal.  I do not want to be a fake bitch that drinks Skinny Girl. I mean, if I’m gonna drink Skinny Girl, I’m gonna mean it; a three cocktail cut-off, for sure.

“I’m good,” I tell him. I’ll live with whatever kind of fat I’ve ordered.”

“Yes, Miss. Excellent choice.”

“So, anyway,” Tasia starts the moment our server turns his back. “What have you been up to?” Her big, black-lined eyes tilt up and away from her Pellegrino, flickering over various parts of my being.

“Well, the shop keeps me…”

“Did you hear the waiter, by the way? I mean, he pretty much insulted me by complimenting you. Not cool.”

“I don’t think he…”

“He will not be getting a good tip from me,” she continues. “Not cool at all.”

I attempt to distract her; “You know, work, I’m consumed with trying to…”

“Oh my God. I forgot to tell you. Paul and Maxine? They split!” She almost looks happy announcing it and I feel a little sick.

“Weren’t they, I mean, married for like, ever?”

“Yeah, crazy, huh?” She manages to sip her bubbling water and maintain a smug look at the same time.

“Don’t they have kids? How many kids do they have…?”

“Two, three? I don’t know, God. I’m just trying to tell you, they’re done. He found someone else…had it going for a while, like, a couple of years while. So typical.

 

The corners of her super pink mouth are frothy, cream soda foaming over the side of a cup and I focus on that, not wanting to say regretful things.

“Sad.” I mumble.

Our meals come. Well, my meal and her salted tomatoes.

“Do you have bread?” She questions the waiter.

“Of course, yes,” he replies. “But I thought…”

This is simply tomatoes. I need a little more substance.” Tasia looks to me, expecting empathy, but I shift my glance to the topiary tree behind her. I decide it looks like it’s growing out of the top of her head.

“Definitely,” he replies. “I’ll bring the bread right away.”

“Whole wheat. Light margarine.”

My food looks delicious and the steam rising up, infusing my pores is mouthwatering. The garlic, the butter, the meat…all divine.

“Oh my, can you smell the grease? Insane, right?

What’s insane, I think to myself, is that you’re commenting while slathering even more margarine on top of that already thick layer.

“Maxine,” I interrupt. “Is she okay? Are they, you know, going to try counseling?”

“God, no. Are you crazy? He cheated on her, Em. You don’t recover from that.”
“Well, their history, the kids…anything’s…”

“Ugh! This vinegar is so bitter. How do they get away with this?” She moves her plate to the middle of the table and takes out her phone.

I think back to high school and lunches with Tasia. We haven’t seen each other in years, but not a lot has changed.

“Save me a seat!” she’d shout down the hall the period before lunch, already knowing I would. Just like she knew I’d give her money when she forgot her wallet, like she knew I’d rush to my locker, throw in my books and fight the desire to organize them to save a few seconds, like she knew I’d hurry to the dining hall to snag two stools side by side.

Like she knew I’d wait.

I’d wait while she chatted to Mel and Sean, wait while she flirted with Mr.Polson and wait while she butted the line to get her lunch ahead of mine, fanning the tenner I’d lent her earlier in Troy Danning’s face while she fiddled and fluttered.

“Ah, you’re such a sweetie!” she’d exclaim approaching our table. “Like Sawyer; always waiting for me. You just need a tail to wag. You’re the best, Em.

And with a flip of her ponytail, my head would sink as she’d plunk down her tray, straddle the stool and delve into whatever gossip was happening around us. I was sure to throw my sweater over my own spot, knowing she wouldn’t shoo anyone away if they tried to take it while I lined for lunch.

Looking up from my plate, I see she’s still tapping at her screen. I eat my grease in silence and, I have to admit, I enjoy every bit of it, the calories, the quiet and the calm.

“I bet he wasn’t getting any.” Head still down, she continues. “You know as well as I do, she’s a total prude. Remember when …?”

Wiping my mouth with my crisp, cloth napkin, I, possibly for the first time ever; cut her off;

“I really don’t want to get into it. We don’t know the first thing about their marriage. Speculating is definitely not fair.”

“Well, all I’m saying is…”

Instead of looking surprised when I stand, she squints, her huge, round eyes melding into selfish slits.

“You’ll have to pay, Tasia. I forgot my wallet.”

I swear our server gives me a nod of approval as I fling my purse over my shoulder and walk out the door, head held high.

Tomatoes

Posted in Chick Lit, Creative Writing, Fiction, Life, Relationships, Short Stories, Uncategorized, Writing | Tagged , , , , | 8 Comments »

Bring It

December 31, 2012 by Hazy Shades of Me

2013

The year is ending. Tonight, in case you didn’t know.

“Ha ha”, you laugh. “Who doesn’t realize it’s New Year’s Eve? ”

“It can happen”, I warn. And I should know.

I was once invited to a New Year’s party and spent all of New Year’s Eve day planning what I’d wear and what I would bring to the party…the next night. I felt entirely ready and completely organized until my then boyfriend said;

“Ready to go?”

“Huh? Where?” I asked.

“Umm, the party?” He said, slightly incredulous.

“Don’t be an ass,” I told him. “It’s tomorrow.”

The moment I said it, my mistake oozed over me like slow melting wax, hot and cold all at the same time.

As we approach 2013, I am happy to say good-bye to the unfortunate and even content to leave the good that came along with it. I’m ready for new good.

I started this blog in March of this year and it has become a much loved, much needed part of my life. I owe a large degree of my small amount of sanity to it. I wish I could spin you a mind-blowing story explaining how I came to write. (I read someone else’s the other day and I won’t lie; I was a little envious.)

I was never privy to such obvious, fate-enforcing signs. I have simply always known that writing was something that I thought was pretty nifty. It also seemed to be one of the only things I was…sort of…good at. Most of all, I knew I was definitely at peace while doing it.

I am thankful to this passing year for many things and the renewed passion and opportunity in writing is a big one, but the thing I am most very grateful for is my family’s encouragement. They’re the clamps holding me steadfast to the unanchored dream trailing me through jungles, pulling me through sand and swooping me up, over and into the clouds.

Oh. And I’m thankful I’m not missing the party.

A happy, healthy and heartwarming 2013 to all of you.

Sincerely,

Hazy

Posted in Blogging, Creative Writing, Fiction, Inspiration, Life, Uncategorized, Writing | Tagged , , , | 6 Comments »

This Old House

December 28, 2012 by Hazy Shades of Me

Let’s not get all snappy. I appreciate what I have. I do! There’s a roof over my head. Okay, it happens to be a brand new, 30,000-dollar, high end, cedar shake roof, but I’d appreciate it no matter what kind of roof it was. Truly.

The fact is this house is old. It’s not cool old, like everything in it is assorted, artful and antiquish. It’s old, like everything in it is corroding, crumbling and collapsing.

Alright, alright. It’s not that bad.  In fact, my house is quite lovely.  It’s a warm and cozy, well used, lived in home.  But it is becoming apparent that a little more than a lick of paint and a few new area rugs are required.

I’ve referred to my dining room and talked about my bathroom in previous posts and…I’m doing it again. Sorry! I’m just sooo darn excited! Getting new things is always nice, but knowing things are being repaired, replaced and renewed the right way is glee-inducing. (think Mike Holmes of Make it Right)

I’m giddy just dreaming about my grown-up showerhead and freshly poured cement. I’m ecstatic imagining a ceiling without cracks and a pristine vanity. The old one was stained with every color my hair has ever been and the bottle of porcelain chip repair sat on guard 24/7 in the medicine cabinet.

Yes, getting new things is wonderful, but having old things is a privilege. It means we’ve shared our space, we’ve created memories, we’ve…lived. Out with the old, in with new as they say, but let’s not forget the value of the scratched, the scuffed and the scraped. After all, they were there for us when we needed them.

BEFORE photo of a sideboard I bought at Value Village for $40

BEFORE photo of a sideboard I bought at Value Village for $40

Sideboard After 1

Said sideboard, revamped.

Bathroom before 1

Darkness…

Let there be light…

Posted in Blogging, Creative Writing, Inspiration, Life, Non-Fiction, Uncategorized, Writing | Tagged , , , , , , | 7 Comments »

If It’s In the Cards

December 27, 2012 by Hazy Shades of Me

Will I ever be a good writer?

They say the best are those who have no one, hermits, recluses, loners. Everyone they know, dead and gone, all chance of new connections sacrificed. Perhaps, purposely avoided.

I know a lot of people.

I like them. I want to keep them.

I think about and analyze each word, never mind sentence, that I write. It’s hard. Hard to write fiction that may be taken as truth. Is she the sexually abused, the office wallflower, the promiscuous teen…the brokenhearted? 

Writing is a risk. People are always going to read into your words….your stories and make them into what they need them to be.

It’s dicey and, it. is. frightening.

But, it is what we’re gifting. Leeway. License. Liberty. Those who know us will get it.

The ice may crack, a bridge might collapse and we could be dealt a crappy hand.

Forget easy eights, but if we’re willing to work a hard six, we may just hit a lucky seven.

The writer must be in it

Posted in Blogging, Creative Writing, Fiction, Inspiration, Life, Non-Fiction, Uncategorized, Writing | Tagged , , , , | 16 Comments »

For The Man Who Hated Christmas

December 21, 2012 by Hazy Shades of Me

The Wrought Writer's avatarThe Wrought Writer

In case you don’t read right down to the very bottom, (although I advise you to do so) I want to make it clear that I did not write this beautiful story.  I’m merely sharing it in the true spirit of Christmas…

~

It’s just a small, white envelope stuck among the branches of our Christmas tree. No name, no identification, no inscription. It has peeked through the branches of our tree for the past ten years or so.

It all began because my husband Mike hated Christmas–oh, not the true meaning of Christmas, but the commercial aspects of it–overspending… the frantic running around at the last minute to get a tie for Uncle Harry and the dusting powder for Grandma—the gifts given in desperation because you couldn’t think of anything else.

Knowing he felt this way, I decided one year to bypass the usual shirts, sweaters, ties and so…

View original post 596 more words

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With Sadness, My Sixtieth…

December 21, 2012 by Hazy Shades of Me

Sandy Hook

Children are exhausting ~ a full-on, twenty-four/seven job.

I have three and I’ve never been so thankful to be run-ragged in all my life.

With respect to Newtown, Connecticut, I have lingered over my own public recognition of this event. After all, who am I? I know no one. I don’t understand. I can’t relate.

But, I do feel, I am heartsick and sadly, I have never lacked imagination.

To become entangled in deliberation, speculation and persecution would be unfair to the fallen and their families. In their honor, I choose simplicity…

Dear Santa,

Forget Christmas. Tragedy doesn’t regard time nor know its place.

Forever and always, gift peace, strength, safety and goodwill and, if you’re honestly magical, maybe one day it will be a shorter wait to access medical help than a weapon and the ‘right to bare arms’ will simply mean that shirts without sleeves can be worn by anyone, anywhere, anytime.

Yours,

Truly Hazy

 

Posted in Blogging, Hardship, Life, Non-Fiction, Parenting, Uncategorized, Writing | Tagged , , , | 6 Comments »

Light It Up

December 12, 2012 by Hazy Shades of Me

Hung with care, I’m not so sure, but hung…absolutely!

The tree is up and lit, mind you, decorations adorn various nooks and crannies and from the outside the house emits a mysterious glow.   Mysterious, that is, because half our lights are burned out.  This realization came, of course, after hanging them.  Who checks beforehand?  “Probably everyone,” I tell my husband.

When the season was first upon us, I, in denial, stood before shelf after engorged shelf, each one literally bursting with boxes of dazzling illumination.  Seriously, if you had cash, credit or those nifty Canadian Tire dollars, the cream of the crop was yours for the picking.  They even light them now in tiny, little display portals so you can see what it is you’re buying.  This would’ve been handy years ago, when LED’s first appeared on the scene and we bought string after string of mismatched blues.

Fast track to today.  The shelves are bare, scattered with only what has been rejected and need I say…or, are you feeling my foreshadowing?  I’ll toy with you a little more…

They have big, acorn-sized white, they have primary shades (not the beautiful, crown jewel type gems) and they have, yes, the old school clear glass, non-LED (a.k.a. non-enviro friendly) type bulbs.

But, do they have the two strings of plain blue that I need to replace my, somehow, LED rule-defying burned out strings?  No.  They don’t have two.  They have one.

In the big ‘Christmas is too commercialized, this is not what it’s about’ scheme of things, it really isn’t a big deal. #firstworldproblems However, it is still frustrating and the fact doesn’t change that the lights, are indeed up, and our house be lookin’ cray cray.

Nonetheless, Christmas is well on its way in our good old homestead.  I was starting to think this was finally the year I’d actually have to say; I dunno what happened.  I guess we just missed it.

But missing it, we’re not.  There are all kinds of parties to get to, lunches to be had, shopping trips planned and family time organized and I know it will all be over and gone in the blink of an eye.

I do this every year.  I pull as Christmas pushes and anxiety builds with every popped Advent window.  It’s because I forget.  I forget that as it gets closer I start to stop.  I stop shying, shuddering and shirking and I start embracing, engaging and entangling whatever the season brings.

And it’s good.  Good to forget that I remember, good to remember that I forget, because I still want the magic and, it’s alway there….way at the back of the shelf.  I only have to turn on the lights to find it.

My Tree!

Our Tree!

Posted in Blogging, Creative Writing, Inspiration, Life, Non-Fiction, Uncategorized | Tagged , , , , | 7 Comments »

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