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Well folks, it’s Friday. The weekend has arrived and it’s found my husband and I relaxing and reminiscing about our childhoods, our weekends and basically the things we used to think were the bee’s knees.

Although I admit I thought so at the time, my parents weren’t really over the top strict.

Side note: In the summer the other kids were usually playing outside as I watched from my bedroom window on tiptoes, clad in pale yellow baby-dolls. (Bedtime was a sharp 7:30!) And on two separate occasions, I was grounded for two weeks, once, because a friend was overheard swearing (logic says I must be swearing too) and the other, due to the fact that I was caught riding my bike with no hands.

 

Alas, I digress.

 

I wasn’t allowed to be a hooligan, I wasn’t allowed to swear, as mentioned above, and I had to be respectful, which is basically the first two points summed up into one. Easy, right?

I wasn’t allowed junk food, they would’ve liked me to get good grades and I had lots of chores.

Case and point: doing the dishes after dinner, no we didn’t have a dishwasher, included; rinsing, washing, rinsing again, drying, putting away, clearing up leftovers, wiping counters, wiping the table, cleaning the stovetop and sweeping the floor. That was every night and only counted as one chore.

 

I wasn’t allowed to have short hair or wear make-up. They didn’t want me to be common and I often got in trouble for always having my nose in a book. Go figure.

Much to their dismay, I did not turn out to be a ballerina, an award-winning Irish dancer or a gold league soccer star.

 

But…there were the weekends. Magic. An enticing British series would come on and we’d cozy up by the roaring fire, consuming several pieces of delectable, whiskey-infused chocolate.

We’d hike the forested five miles to the tantalizing tangerine filling station and I was granted two Icy Cups from the big jar on the counter as a reward.

We’d ride our bikes down to the local pool and swim for free in the misty summer rain.

I’d play Queen, The Police, Pat Benatar, The Beatles, Yazoo, Air Supply and anything else I could get my music-greedy little hands on, using my parent’s state of the art stereo system.

Company would land in and I’d be allowed to watch TV as late as I wanted in my room on my tiny, orange plastic, black and white portable, a bowl of chips, licorice and a Root Beer float at my side.

Now that I have kids of my own, I know my parents weren’t all that strict. They were simply trying to survive while keeping me alive and unscathed by the not so savory things life has to offer.

I never wanted for anything and it turns out that what I thought was the bee’s knees then, still is and, I am in fact, unscathed.

Icy Cups 1

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At fifteen, I was a witness.

An enormous steel door cranked open in the distance and launched his cries into the stale, cold air. His heavy steps clamored on the slate pavers and I heard hesitation in the back and forth shuffle he seemed unable to control. As he moved slowly up the ramp towards me, his breath clouded and fused with the death that engulfed us. He didn’t look up.

A noose was placed around his neck; eyes saucers of spilled black tea, dark and brimming. His lashes were long and caught in the tiny pieces of cool, blue light filtering through cracked slats of wood. He was massive and mesmerizing, stunning. It was impossible to look away.

My heart galloped as the straight end of the noose was pulled taut. He bucked frantically, but was dragged off his feet, head ramming into the stone wall beside him. Dazed, he’d slumped to ground, groaning and moaning, tears wetting his panic-stricken face. The bolt went straight through his skull, centered just above his eyes and a long, straight metal prod was inserted, meant to scramble his brain. He fought and flailed and I’d felt his desperation clawing its way into my own rattled organs.

He finally looked up and our eyes locked, both begging.

Kill him,” I’d choked. “Oh please dear God, have mercy and kill him.”

They used the noose to rope his legs and in an instant, he was on his back, all fours up in the air, slit open straight down the middle. His body shuddered and his sweat christened the ground below him before the blood could reach it. His insides oozed and steamed as his valued parts were scooped for market.

It was the most brutal thing I’d ever seen and like the beast, I was gutted. Running off, fighting through tall grass and bursting out into the misty morning air, I was sure I’d never kill a living thing as long I lived.

––

The door protests loudly at my intrusion, but she doesn’t look up.

The room is shadowy and the rain pelts hard on the double-glazing. Cool blue light steals in through a crack in the curtains.

She’s lying on the bed; what’s left of her anyway. Trying to raise her wasted hand is exhausting. She surrenders after only a moment. There’s hesitation in the back and forth breaths she seems unable to control. She groans and moans, as tears wet the cheeks of her panic-stricken face. Dazed and scared, frenzied, as fear and death vie for her attention.

My hand rests over her heart and it’s clear we’re not beating in time. Hers is slow and labored; mine races to keep up with the trampling thoughts littered over my aching soul.

She finally looks my way and her gaze locks on mine, eyes big and blue, brimming; an ocean’s waves spilling onto the beach. And it’s obvious we’re both begging, only for two very different things; I’d give anything if life would sustain her. More than anything, she finds torture in each extra minute.

Every raindrop punctuates her silent plea.

End it. Oh please, please help me. Have mercy and end it.”

And, I do.

At forty-five, I’m a participant.

Cracked light

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You’ve stuck around. Cheered me on. Supported me. I’m torn between thanking you and asking what the heck are you thinking?

My pastime as of late has been to pick through previous posts, searching for the biggest and the best. Oh my! My jaw is tight and my cheeks are sore from the Oooh, that’s embarrassing face.

So yeah, I’ve been contemplating the question; “How have you managed to stick it out?” But, I’ve thought better of it. That question could insult you. It might make you look back on my work and think; “You know, she’s right!” You may change your mind. Heaven forbid, you might leave me.

Well, a tight jaw and sore cheeks trump red eyes and a runny nose every time, so I’m going with praise instead. Big props to you for reading, liking, commenting, following and most of all, for giving me a reason to believe there’s a teeny chance I just might be able to pull this off. It means the world to me.

And I thank you.

Be a beginner

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Hey kids! How do you feel about contests?

I’ve been looking for ways to move forward. I want to sink my teeth into this writing world…sport a bite worse than my bark. I want to make sure I’m a part of ‘it’ and genuinely working towards achieving more than writing a blog post here and there. (Which I absolutely love doing, by the way)

So…I entered a contest; the criteria – flash fiction, open prompt, a minimum of 250 words and a max of 750. A dreamy drool formed at the corners of my mouth as I pondered the possibilities. It was the first time I’d ever entered a writing contest and it was, although nerve-wracking, exhilarating.

I took a previously written (by yours truly) story called “That’s The Spirit”, tweaked it, paid a ten-dollar entry fee and chose to shell out an extra ten for the optional critique. After several minutes of water-gauging, I shouted heave ho, pressed firmly on the send button and…waited.

Apparently it takes a couple of months to read through, critique and judge several hundred stories. Who knew?

I submitted in January and went about my life sipping a cocktail of denial and disregard with a splash of dementia, and of course, the assumption that my story had been fed to the fishies. Until, one fine day, April 18th to be precise, the sails flapped in the wind, we changed course and before I could yell; “Jibe!”  This popped into my box:

Congratulations!

You’ve successfully made it through First Round Judging in the WOW! Winter 2013 Flash Fiction Contest. Your entry has officially been given the thumbs-up, and you’re well on your way!”

Whoa. Say what? I was taken completely by surprise. I thought I’d capsized long ago. But, I won’t keep you in suspense. I didn’t win. On May 21st, I received notice that I’d placed as an honorable mention. I’m thrilled with this. I entered to gain experience and something else that’s crucial – feedback. The ten bucks I spent on that critique was invaluable. Through it, I found out that I would’ve placed higher if it weren’t for a handful of technical errors. I scored 5’s on everything, but a 4 in the technical department. These are things that I would’ve thought could be overlooked if my story were good enough. I was wrong.

You don’t win with 4’s. You don’t win with meh. You don’t win with good enough. You require 5’s. You want wow. You need great.

I enjoyed the journey this voyage took me on and I will set sail again, regardless of a calm or cragged sea. After all…

A smooth sea

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A plea, if you will, for critiques and feedback. I rewrote one of my ‘stories’ and I’d like your take on which you like better and most importantly, why. Feel free to leave comments. (Please, please will you leave comments?!) I’m batting my lashes…

Which is better

Good Enough (A)

The powder slowly fell out of the paper envelope into the bowl, reminding me of a dump truck off-loading a pile of sand; only the dust rising from this pour was so sweet, my mouth watered at the scent.

I carefully tore open a second packet, fearful of losing even one of the tiny, tasty granules. Spinning a spoon, I methodically mixed the two flavors together making sure all was evenly dispersed.

The kettle was taking forever. I braided my hair and drew hearts on the windowpane where condensation had formed. I did a few pirouettes and slid back and forth across the sleek kitchen floor, but the kettle still hadn’t boiled.

Unable to wait any longer, I added the slightly more than lukewarm water and stirred away. Growing even more impatient, I added the cold and happily popped the mixture into the fridge.

I did some homework, brushed the dog and painted my fingernails, each one a different color, but I couldn’t stop thinking about it. I checked and checked again, finally deciding it was good enough.

Quivering almost as much as it was, I brought the heaping bowl up to my room. I’d waited for what felt like an eternity and I was finally about to reap the reward.

But to my surprise, it wasn’t ‘good enough’. In fact, it wasn’t any kind of good at all. It was runny and watery, not firm and wiggly. It was sour and sad, rather than joyful and jolly.

As I sat on my bed slopping the red garble around in the bowl, it didn’t take me long to figure out that greatness never comes from ‘good enough’.

Good Enough (B)

The fine powder drifts out of the paper packet into the massive glass bowl, like dump trucks off-loading piles of sand; only the dust rising from this pour is so sweet, my mouth waters at the exhilarating scent tickling my nose.

I cautiously snip open a second packet, fearful of losing even one of the tiny, tasty granules. Spinning a spoon, I ever so slowly mix the two flavors together; taking great pains to ensure all is evenly dispersed.

But the kettle takes too long.

I braid my hair and draw hearts on the windowpanes where condensation has formed. I do a few pirouettes and slide back and forth across the sleek kitchen floor in my sock-covered feet, but the water still hasn’t come to a boil.

Unable to wait any longer, I add the slightly warmer than lukewarm water to my mix and stir away. Growing even more impatient, I dole out the cold and happily pop the concoction into the fridge.

I doddle over homework, brush the dog and carefully paint my fingernails, each one a different color, but the mixture is never far from my thoughts. I check and check again, impatiently deciding it’s good enough.

Quivering almost as much as it is, I bring the heaping bowl up to my room. I have worked and waited for what, to me, feels like an eternity and at long last, am on the verge of reaping the fragrant reward.

But to my surprise, it isn’t good enough. In fact, it isn’t any kind of good at all. It is runny and watery, not firm and wiggly. It’s sour and sad, anything but jubilant or jolly.

And as I sit on my bed peering at the tangerine-tinged garble in the massive glass bowl, it doesn’t take me long to see that nothing great ever comes from good enough.

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He trudges along his near invisible path. The path he’s been trudging his entire, whole life.

His thin trail cloaked in twisted and tangled trees and trunks. Hidden under broken and bent barb and brush.

Holed up inside his rusted roost at the end of his ratted road, he sidles his wood-burning warmer, rocking and reading, wearing and wondering, settling, suffering.

He sleeps silently in his bed with none, eats quietly at his table for one. Windows assaulted with carwash crepe, angry branches leave insides sodden with weight.

The path he’s been trudging his entire, whole life.

But, had it been forever this way? The more he thought, the more he sought, to find a time when he’d had a spine.

So, he stuffs his wool-covered feet into steel-shielded sheets, throws a long-handled axe across his back and unburdens. He hacks away at thick, burly trunks. Chops at the rot where the deep roots have sunk.

Ever so slowly, the changes he’s made somehow let the old him fade. As he swings and sways, things just fall away.

And, when he’s done, he is light.

Lght through the trees

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“Who the hell would do this?” She barks at Sam.

They are up to their dusty eyebrows in broken tile, rotting fiberglass and pieces of popcorn ceiling.

He turns and sees that the old towel bar she’s holding sports a large chunk of what used to be their bathroom wall. The massive, chalky piece is clinging to the bar for dear life, no intention of letting go.

“Good Lord, Jill, how about a little less demo? We’re not going for open concept here. Try leaving the wall where it is.”

He’s tired. They both are. She gets it. This reno has been a whole lot more work than they’d bargained for.

“I know, sorry. I didn’t do it on purpose though. The bar was like, Crazy Glued to the wall. There aren’t even any screws here or anything.”

“Idiots,” he says with a sigh. “Why would they do that?”

She finishes her work in silence. They have enough on their plates.

***

Joe and Barbara turn the key together. They are so excited to own their first home they don’t even notice that the lock is rusty or that the key barely makes it out upon their firm yank.

With the door open, Nathan lets go of Barbara’s other hand and teeters his way down the hall. Barbara, nine months pregnant, waddles after him. Baby number two due any day, her back is sore and she’s more tired than she’s ever been in her life. The move has taken its toll.

Joe wanders from room to room, seemingly over moon, and honestly, he is, but deep down, he’s smothering fear. How is he going to pay for this? He can’t bear to tell Barb there’s been talk of lay-offs at work. This came, of course, after they decided to make baby number two and after they signed the papers for the house.

A year in, they’re barely making ends meet. Joe is laid off. Baby number two is sick. Medical insurance disappears along with Joe’s job. Things in their new old house are falling apart. The roof needs repairing, the electrical has to be rewired, their hot water tank blows.

Fear has triumphed in the struggle and is now smothering them both, so when Nathan accidentally pulls the towel bar off the wall, Barbara quietly glues it back on.

“It’s okay, sweetheart,” she whispers, stroking his soft, pale hair. It’s all better now, don’t worry.”

She doesn’t tell Joe. They have enough on their plates.

WMC_EveryoneHasAStory

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Use, lose, choose and abuse your muse.

Do you? Any of the above, I mean.

It’s taken me a long time, years really, to acknowledge this muse thing. I don’t have one, I’d think. Ideas simply come to me. I think them up. That’s it, that’s all.

Do you? Have one, I mean.

Some people talk to them, deem them male or female, name them, feed them crumpets and tea. I’ve always felt a little left out. All this fancy literary speak and writer talk; way over my head, I’d think.

And then I looked up muse.

Muse

/myooz/

Verb

To be absorbed in thought

An instance or period of reflection

Meditate – ponder – contemplate – ruminate – think

Muse

/myooz/

Noun

A circumstance, person, place or thing, which poses an effect, positive or negative, and as such, leads to a creative work

 

It seems I haven’t been left out at all.

Have you? Paid attention, I mean.

Muse

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The powder slowly fell out of the paper envelope into the bowl, reminding me of a dump truck off-loading a pile of sand; only the dust rising from this pour was so sweet, my mouth watered at the scent.

I carefully tore open a second packet, fearful of losing even one of the tiny, tasty granules. Spinning a spoon, I methodically mixed the two flavors together making sure all was evenly dispersed.

The kettle was taking forever. I braided my hair and drew hearts on the windowpane where condensation had formed. I did a few pirouettes and slid back and forth across the sleek kitchen floor, but the kettle still hadn’t boiled.

Unable to wait any longer, I added the slightly more than lukewarm water and stirred away. Growing even more impatient, I added the cold and happily popped the mixture into the fridge.

I did some homework, brushed the dog and painted my fingernails, each one a different color, but I couldn’t stop thinking about it. I checked and checked again, finally deciding it was good enough.

Quivering almost as much as it was, I brought the heaping bowl up to my room. I’d waited for what felt like an eternity and I was finally about to reap the reward.

But to my surprise, it wasn’t ‘good enough’. In fact, it wasn’t any kind of good at all. It was runny and watery, not firm and wiggly. It was sour and sad, rather than joyful and jolly.

As I sat on my bed slopping the red garble around in the bowl, it didn’t take me long to figure out that greatness never comes from ‘good enough’.

Write quickly

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I am borrowing a page from the Book of Saige. Eating the bread, drinking the wine; entering the daunting Confessional. Bless me Father, it’s been never since my last confession. Is it a sin to confess when you’re not Catholic? I know you’re probably not supposed to drink the wine…

1. I shared something on my personal facebook page a few days ago. It went like this:

Marilyn Monroe....the worlds biggest icon! Her tummy isn't tightly toned, her thighs touch, her arms aren't skinny, she has stretch marks and her boobs aren't perky. She is known as one of the MOST BEAUTIFUL women in history. Be confident girls. You are HOT, you are SEXY, you are a Marilyn so do not let any man, media or moment of judgement ever take away your confidence! ♥ EL

Marilyn Monroe….the worlds biggest icon! Her tummy isn’t tightly toned, her thighs touch, her arms aren’t skinny, she has stretch marks and her boobs aren’t perky. She is known as one of the MOST BEAUTIFUL women in history. Be confident girls. You are HOT, you are SEXY, you are a Marilyn so do not let any man, media or moment of judgement ever take away your confidence! ♥ EL

Now, while I do believe the gist of this to be true, with an upcoming Maui trip as my motivator, I immediately proceeded to google ‘diets’, found one and voila, apart from the bread and wine I consumed above, I am hungry. No harm in dropping ten pounds, right? Except when you pass out on the morning of day three.

2. I write for myself, but I won’t lie. After a year, I have finally started to accumulate more than five sympathy ‘likes’ from supportive friends and my mum on some of my posts…sometimes as much as thirty-four. Yay, me!

Anyway, a person starts to depend on get used to this sort of thing and when one of my pieces only drummed up a mere four this week, it stung. Ah…don’t go running to like it, now. I get it. It blew. It’s okay. Big girl pants glued in place.

3. I want to be published. Don’t we all? However, I’m nothing but talk. I haven’t taken any steps toward making this happen since 2010. I’m ecstatic my blog has me writing regularly, but I’ve also let it distract me from my ultimate goal. Don’t get me wrong. I’m extremely happy here in the blogosphere, but I’ve let it satiate me. Apparently, I want to eat my cake and not have to bake it first.

4. I used to give my house a thorough cleaning every other day and quick wipes and swipes in between. I now give it a wipe n’ swipe every few weeks and a thorough cleaning once a, ehm, year…? Something’s wrong with this picture. If I were working steadily and regularly toward my ultimate goal, this would be understandable, but like I said…

5. We have an extra fridge in our garage and it smells like something died in there. Since it only houses sealed beverages, I’m afraid this might actually be true. I have yet to investigate since my abovementioned yearly cleaning isn’t due for at least another six months.

6. The posts I spend days hours on get less likes that the ones I whip out in hours minutes. I am not sure what this says about my writing or me. If you do, please give me hint.

7. I scraped a smattering of mold off the top of the sour cream last week and let everyone have it. Expiration dates are only suggestions, aren’t they?

8. I am a fully trained and licensed Aesthetician and have, what is probably the worst skincare routine ever. It works for me. Don’t tell anyone.

9. I douse most things in hot sauce or failing that, chili peppers. I may be known to keep one of these items in my purse at any given time, but I never, ever bring my own tea bags. Promise.

10.Smallmight be slightly autobiographical.  Just sayin’.

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